When I was 16 years old my father died of lung cancer. From that fateful day forward I've made it my personal mission to be as healthy as I can possibly be and to promote cancer research at the same time. I donate to the American Cancer Institute, I run races to support research, I proudly wear my Livestrong bracelet in memory of a man I didn't get to know enough.
So, you can imagine the horror two months ago when I heard from my doctor that a routine x-ray revealed a 9mm sized node on one of my lungs. I've never smoked and have run over 25,000 miles in my lifetime. How can this be possible?
I did some research and the news was hopeful. But, not the kind of odds you'd want to bet your life on. 74% stood between me and following in my father's footsteps in a way I never thought that I would. I was ordered to go and get a CT scan to further analyze the spot.
The news wasn't easy to take. Don't get me wrong. I'm not afraid to die. Believe it or not, I've stood at the start of that road before. I'm not a perfect man. I've made some pretty foolish mistakes in my life. I still do even now. But, I'm happy with the way that I've lived my life. I'd like to think the good has outweighed the bad. I did the best that I could with what I had, judgement be damned.
I just wasn't ready to go. So many more miles to run. I wasn't being selfish or egotistical. I just had first hand experience the hollowness that never gets replaced when a loved one leaves before they should. I couldn't give that burden to my wife, son, family or friends.
Funny how one day you're pumping along, living your life, enjoying those glasses of wine with your wife, putting up double digit distance runs, working hard at your job, fixing this or that around your house, watching your son grow into the most amazing man you'll ever know. And then something like this hits you so hard everything stops. I guess you can never prepare for news like that. There's never a good time is there?
For all my well developed endurance, I just couldn't deal with it. Thankfully work got really busy. I threw myself into going to instructor school, then PT instructor school and getting into shape for my marathon. I can run and run away I did. But, you can't outrun the inevitable. No matter how hard you try.
On Monday I got the CT scan. Like I said before it was a hard day. 26% may sound like a small number, but it weighed quite a bit when placed on my shoulders.
I waited all day yesterday for news from my doc. I love technology, my laptop, my iPone, email, Facebook, my iPod. All great things. But to see online that the results were in but, not be able to read them or get a call from my doc sucked major ass! But, good thoughts right? Shortly before eating lunch today I got the call from my doc. 9mm is a pretty good sized spot. It wasn't 9mm of happiness. It wasn't cancer either. My doc wasn't even sure what it is. Maybe a past infection? Maybe a past broken rib? Maybe I'll never know for sure.
After that call I sat there for a long time and thought about a lot of things. As you can imagine, over the last two months I've done a lot of that. I now know what that 9mm spot is. It's been there since that fateful day when I was 16 years old. It's why I woke up every day fighting through overwhelming depression to graduate high school. It's why I toed that start line of my first marathon even though I was scared shitless. It's why I fought against blacking out while a scumbag got the drop on me and tried to choke me to death one night at work. It's why I relentlessly put one foot in front of the other when going up those big hills even though I'm exhausted, dehydrated and still 10 miles away from home. It's why I am still here. If you try, you can fit a hell of a lot into a 9mm spot. What do you know, I still got a lot of room left in there to fill. And rest assured, fill it I will.
Next time you see someone broken down on the side of the road, pull over and help them push. Next time you get stressed out at work, sit back take a deep breath and laugh, it's just a job. Next time your children ask you if you want to go play while you're in the middle of something which seems important, put it down and go have fun with them. Next time you worry about the amount of calories in that glass of red wine, take a sip and enjoy every last calorie. Life is too short to worry about the things that will never fit into a 9mm spot.
Thank you everyone. You humble me with your concerns, your thoughts, your prayers. Find your spot. It is an honor to run with you. Run for your lives...
The news wasn't easy to take. Don't get me wrong. I'm not afraid to die. Believe it or not, I've stood at the start of that road before. I'm not a perfect man. I've made some pretty foolish mistakes in my life. I still do even now. But, I'm happy with the way that I've lived my life. I'd like to think the good has outweighed the bad. I did the best that I could with what I had, judgement be damned.
I just wasn't ready to go. So many more miles to run. I wasn't being selfish or egotistical. I just had first hand experience the hollowness that never gets replaced when a loved one leaves before they should. I couldn't give that burden to my wife, son, family or friends.
Funny how one day you're pumping along, living your life, enjoying those glasses of wine with your wife, putting up double digit distance runs, working hard at your job, fixing this or that around your house, watching your son grow into the most amazing man you'll ever know. And then something like this hits you so hard everything stops. I guess you can never prepare for news like that. There's never a good time is there?
For all my well developed endurance, I just couldn't deal with it. Thankfully work got really busy. I threw myself into going to instructor school, then PT instructor school and getting into shape for my marathon. I can run and run away I did. But, you can't outrun the inevitable. No matter how hard you try.
On Monday I got the CT scan. Like I said before it was a hard day. 26% may sound like a small number, but it weighed quite a bit when placed on my shoulders.
I waited all day yesterday for news from my doc. I love technology, my laptop, my iPone, email, Facebook, my iPod. All great things. But to see online that the results were in but, not be able to read them or get a call from my doc sucked major ass! But, good thoughts right? Shortly before eating lunch today I got the call from my doc. 9mm is a pretty good sized spot. It wasn't 9mm of happiness. It wasn't cancer either. My doc wasn't even sure what it is. Maybe a past infection? Maybe a past broken rib? Maybe I'll never know for sure.
After that call I sat there for a long time and thought about a lot of things. As you can imagine, over the last two months I've done a lot of that. I now know what that 9mm spot is. It's been there since that fateful day when I was 16 years old. It's why I woke up every day fighting through overwhelming depression to graduate high school. It's why I toed that start line of my first marathon even though I was scared shitless. It's why I fought against blacking out while a scumbag got the drop on me and tried to choke me to death one night at work. It's why I relentlessly put one foot in front of the other when going up those big hills even though I'm exhausted, dehydrated and still 10 miles away from home. It's why I am still here. If you try, you can fit a hell of a lot into a 9mm spot. What do you know, I still got a lot of room left in there to fill. And rest assured, fill it I will.
Next time you see someone broken down on the side of the road, pull over and help them push. Next time you get stressed out at work, sit back take a deep breath and laugh, it's just a job. Next time your children ask you if you want to go play while you're in the middle of something which seems important, put it down and go have fun with them. Next time you worry about the amount of calories in that glass of red wine, take a sip and enjoy every last calorie. Life is too short to worry about the things that will never fit into a 9mm spot.
Thank you everyone. You humble me with your concerns, your thoughts, your prayers. Find your spot. It is an honor to run with you. Run for your lives...
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